I have not written for a while. I decided to write cos I have no one to turn to to express what’s in my troubled heart. Anyway, here is my story…
In one of my earlier post dated 11 Nov 2016, I had mentioned that I tried to OD myself – and I confessed to him that I had indeed taken pills in the attempt to end my life. Let’s called this colleague J.
Since then, J has been helping and watching over me a lot. And I appreciated it. In a sense, I felt like I had owed him my life. If it wasn’t for J who had intervened, I may not be here today.
As a result of my OD – and as instructed by the doctor – from wife started to dispense medication to me. When I had to go on a business trip, my wife would entrust this role to J – and we would room together.
During one of my business trips, J offered to give me a massage. He told me that massage would help me relax. I agreed cos I, too, had read they message helps. He spread the comforter on the carpeted floor and had me lay face down. With only a towel covering my rear end, he started to give me long strokes. It felt good. Then he made me turn around and continue to massage me. It got sensual and I started to get aroused. Suddenly, he removed the towel exposing my manhood. Telling me that we are all guys and getting aroused during massage is normal. Very soon, the massage ended.
The next night, he offered to give me a massage again – and again removed my towel. I got aroused again but this time, I started to carcasses my manhood. I resisted but he was told me to “just relax”. I felt conflicted at that time – I am not gay but cos it felt good – I again relented. The stroking continue and then he started to masturbate me and I ejaculate as a result.
This went on for the remaining nights of our business trips – and for subsequent trips as well.
However, the massage escalated. I started to feel comfortable with him and would jerk off in his presence during such trips. One day he started to give me a blowjob and this went on.
Though I had mentioned him that we should stop this – while he said yes, he would come over to my bed and start to massage – and again I gave him.
Recently, he confided to me that he is attracted to guy although he is married with a teenage son. I told him that I would not judge him.
To cut a long story short – it got so bad that at times, he would make me drunk and I would have no recollection what happened. He would teased me about what may have happened while I was wasted.
We have gotten close and we would share secrets and confide with each other. He started to spend time with me on a weekly basis and would get me give and treats. In fact, another colleague even commented that we looked like a married couple.
And this bring me to the present time. We have a trip coming and he text me and asked if I could room with him. He had texted me before going on a short business trip.
While I am not gay – I must admit that I had enjoyed the massage and even the blowjobs. However, I feel very conflicted and I don’t not want to room with him for fear that I would up giving in again. This has been happening since 2017 and I am feeling very tired having to live a double life.
Anyway, I did not respond his text message and after returning from his trip, he left the chat. Needless to say, he is upset with me.
I am conflicted and torn. On one hand, I am glad that he’s upset with me. This way, at least I wouldn’t need to share room with him anymore. However, I do not want to end our friendship – after all, we have been pals for more than 20 years and will probably continue to be colleagues for the next 10 years or more.
There were times when I considered quitting my job with the hope that this would end my double life – but I can not afford to do that. I am thinking of initiating a talk when I get back to the office tomorrow – but knowing J – he would probably give me the cold shoulder and ignore me. This is how he operates with people who have offended him.
My other colleagues may also start to wondering about our relationship – once we were so closed and now he’s not even talking to me. I know I cannot share the truth – this would ruin us – our job and family. I am stuck. What shall I do – it only I had not given in to that massage and I only have myself to blame…!
And yes, I have entertained the thought of ending my life cos I feel trapped…!!
Anxiety and I 