You need to be rich to be in depression…!

So I went to see my psychatrist this morning and I’m not sure if I can afford him much longer. 

My former psychatrist was from a public hospital until I OD myself last November.  My wife totally lost faith my doctor after a brief chat with her at the hospital. After I was discharged, she insisted that I look for another psychatrist. I was reluctant at first but eventually relented. So now I have to pay $160 just to see my psychatrist for half an hour.  

Today, I had to pay $618 for 2 months worth of meds after a $24 discount – $392 for my Agomelatine ($3.50 per tab), $72 for my Risperidone ($1.20 per tab) and $18 for my Alprazolam ($0.60 per tab).  I don’t know how much others pay for their meds but for me, $618 is a lot of money. 

So 2 x Agomelatine + 1 x Risperidone every night works out to $8.20 per day… provided I don’t need my Alprazolam for my anxiety.  $8.20…! I can have a really good lunch with that kind of money.  Maybe I should start cutting back on my lunch. 

Sigh. I better get well soon…!!

You need to be rich to be in depression…!

What would you advise…?

As I’ve mentioned in my earlier blog, I’ve stopped seeing my psychologist.  My wife was just asking me yesterday if I wanted to return to seeing him again.  Alternatively, I can considering looking for a different one.  I told her NO to both.

I don’t think I want to see the shrink ever again.  It’s just too emotional draining for me with the type of questions that shrinks ask.  I know they are trying to ask so that they can help me uncover the root of my problems/issues.  Sometimes I wonder if my issues are really that deep-rooted.  Who doesn’t have problems anyway.  Perhaps I don’t even have one.   Sometimes I feel that shrinks are there just merely to make a mountain out of a molehill, trying to access and find issues that either isn’t that big a deal or just isn’t there in the first place.

Anyway, I was surfing the internet and somehow I started to google for a support group for people with depression.  There are a couple of them in my area; one is a Christian-based group while the other is run by a mental health association that meets on a monthly basis.  I am leaning towards the latter group.

Why am I thinking of a support group?  Well, I have many questions of my own.  Like how long will this depression thingie last?  When I don’t feel like going out to the gym or swim, am I lazy or is it due to my depression?  Although I am feeling better, is it normally for my mood to fluctuate?  Is what I am feeling or going through normal?  The list goes on… and I feel like I need to have some of my questions answered.

I believe unless you have gone through depression and anxiety before, no one really understands how you really feel. Psychiatrists and psychologists will only give you textbook answers and that doesn’t quite do it for me.

When it comes to support group, what comes to mind are the ones you see on TV… as such, I thought I’d solicit some help from YOU to help me decide.

Have any of you attended a support group for mental health patients before.  Do you what goes on in a support group?  Is this a place where I can get some of my answers answered?  Do you think a support group is a place that will help me in my recovery.  Do you think I should be a part of a support group or do you reckon that it will be a waste of my time even though the group meets once a month?

Someone told me that it may be worth exploring since “our wounding comes from people; our healing also comes from people or community”.

So, what would you advise…?  Thanks!!




What would you advise…?

I’m envious and jealous

People come and go. Recently, three church  elders stepped down to make way for new elders. Then a volunteer whom I’ve been working with for a long time recently told me that she would like to move on to other area of church ministry. And due to the church crisis our church went through for the past few years, there are those who have decided to leave for other churches. 

What I am struggle is this – I feel like I’ve stuck in what I’m doing and I feel envious and jealous that people can just leave everything behind them and move on.  But not me!!

Am I not enjoying my job. Well, I feel tired thinking about it. And I’ve seem to have lost the passion and the excitement in the things I do. And I feel like I’m just doing what I need to do at work because I have to do that and not because I want it enjoying doing it.  I asked God to rekindle my passion for my work again but that has not happened yet. I know it may take time and I wonder how long it will take before my passion comes back again…or will it?

I do not know if this is due to my currently mental state but I can’t seem to find the joy of going to work. I don’t have the energy to involve myself in discussions during staff meetings. I just sit there in silence, waiting for the meeting to end. I don’t seem to have the energy to care. I’m just feeling tired.  I wished I can take an extended time off from work. And I certainly can’t afford to quit the job because if I did, I’m not sure if I still have the market value to to find another. 

Today is my day off and Tuesday is the start of my work week and I am dreading the thought of having to go back to work. 

Sadly, no one knows that I’m feeling this way… not my wife, not my colleagues and not my friends…except for those of YOU who read this blog.  What should I do?

Anyway, thanks for reading. 

I’m envious and jealous

How do I know…?

…if I’m just lazy, or the reason why I’m so unmotivated is due to my depression…?

Today is my day off. I woke up Monday morning thinking perhaps I can go to the gym, maybe go for a swim or perhaps make an appointment for a massage. 

I really want to get some exercise. I’ve lost some weight since I stopped having sweetened drinks, and exercise will definitely help me lose some belly fats around my waist. 

And with my anxiety back, I thought a massage will help me destress.  I even took my Xanax to get rid of my anxiety hoping that that will help me start the day.  

But guess what…??  None of that is happening… I’m now sitting at StarBucks wasting my time away.  (At least I’m out of my house)

So I’m asking myself this…how do I know that I’m not just lazy. 

How do I know…?

Can I be honest…?


I want to be honest to those who have been reading my posts… I want to let you I on what I do professionally.  I am a church pastor… there, I’ve said it.

Why do I find it so difficult to share this piece of information in my post?  Well, for one, I do not want to stumble anyone in the things that I say or do.

C’mon, how can a pastor attempt suicide – which was what I did at the end of last year?   How can a pastor be so negative with life and feels so hopeless?  And how can a pastor feels as if a part of him has died? How could a pastor who knows God, about His attributes and tells others about the power, love, hope and the peace of God still feel and think the way I do?  So, if I have indeed stumbled anyone, I am truly sorry.

WordPress has been a platform where it has allowed me to share my thoughts, feelings, and struggles openly… without the fear of being judged.  In fact, many of the things that I have written here are not things that I would share openly with anyone, not even with my wife.  I know this is not right, not that’s how it is right now.

And if I want to continue to be open here, I thought it would only be right to share with you about what I do – and how I am feeling and struggling for someone who has responded to God’s calling to serve in a local church.

Thanks for reading

Can I be honest…?

A Note to my Shrink…

I’ve not told you this. And I don’t think I’ll ever will since I’ve stopped seeing you. I just felt I needed to write this even though I know you will never get to read this.

Do you remember about the conversation we had in your office on 16 February?  We talked about many things – one of the issues we talked about was my desire in wanting to pursue a course in counselling?

This is not a new topic since I’ve mentioned this to you in a few of my counselling sessions with you.  Even though I have not been trained as a counselor, I also remember telling you how I have enjoyed meeting with people and it was especially fulfilling to be able to help someone in their time of needs.

Well, on 16 February, for some reason, we had revisited this topic.  And yes, I did share at some point in our session that I am feeling so tired having to deal with challenging people at work.  And I have come to the point that I would just keep to myself and minimize my interactions with them.  At least by doing so, it reduces the chance of me feeling hurt or misunderstood by their comments.

I want you to know that it was really discouraging to me when you kept questioning and probing over my desire to pursuing counselling.

Somehow I know what you were trying to do.  Perhaps you felt that I was conflicted and wanted to bring about clarity to the conversation; on one hand I wanted to help people, but on the others, I feel tired having to deal with people

Why did you have to probe? Why did you have to tell me that counselling involved having to deal with difficult people as if I didn’t know that? Why did you have to give me the impression that since I was already feeling tired dealing with people in the office, counselling may not be my cup of tea.  Perhaps this was not what you had intended to say but it made me feel lousy.

It felt as my only opportunity/chance in wanting to do something different, to get out of the rut that I am experiencing at work, has taken away with those comments.  Am I not capable of being a good counselor?  Yes, perhaps I feel tired of dealing with people/colleagues now… but that’s because I am going through this thing called “depression” at this point in my life!  It hasn’t been like that all the time.  I used to enjoy meeting with people.

You then turned to my wife and asked for her thoughts. If you remember, she was surprised by my desire to help others.  And if that being the case, why am I not helping more in the family?  That comment cut deep into my heart.

My wife had some tumor removed from her brain in September last year.  After her discharged from the hospital, she stayed with a friend for 2 weeks before returning home.

My wife went on to ask why I didn’t visit her when she was staying at her friends how.  I was shock.  How is this issue connected to what we were discussing?  She has other gripes with me which I was not aware of and was taken by surprise. Was she questioning my care and concern for her?  Didn’t my camping outside the hospital ward during the day of her surgery and those days that followed when she was in ICU count for anything?

You know, after that session, I couldn’t feel anything. I felt like I was just existing but emotionally, I was dead. There was no point talking at all – no point talking to anyone about anything. I’m just tired of talking, period.

I’ve been keeping this in my heart all these time.  That is the reason why I decided to cancel our follow-up session because I felt like there was nothing left to talk about.  I am sorry that I’ve not picked up any of your calls or returned your text messages.  Its not because I am angry with – like I mentioned earlier, I don’t feel like talking anymore.

It’s been close to 2 months since – and the feeling of “death in my heart” hasn’t gone away and I wonder if it ever will.

Well, thanks for all you have done for me and I wish you all the best in life and as you continue to help other patients.

A Note to my Shrink…

Does little things make you feel anxious…?

Well, it does to me. 

Ok, it was all my fault. I was supposed to have sent a small gift and a thank you note to someone who did me a favour at the end of last year and I haven’t. 

I know I should have done it sometime ago. After all, this particular colleague of mine who I shall call “Ivan” had reminded me before because it was Ivan’s wife who had called in the favour for me. 

Today, Ivan asked me if I had some done so again. No, I haven’t. I know I should have. But I didn’t. I don’t know why I forgot to but I did. I know it’s my fault and there’s no to blame but me! 

So I finally wrote and thank you card so that Ivan’s wife could pass it along on on my behalf. 

I know it’s a small matter. But I just can’t help but feel like an idiot for forgetting yet again. 

And yes, I had to take my Xanax because my anxiety just decided to come and pay me a visit. And the more I entertain the thought of my forgetfulness, stupidity and how it feels to have a colleague tell you off in the manner that Ivan did (although it wasn’t harsh or anything), the intensity of my anxiety would increase. Makes me feel so hopeless and such a failure.

Is it just me… or does this happen to you as well – the negative thoughts of something seemingly small actually affects me quite a bit. 

As always, now I’m waiting for my meds to work and hopefully the thoughts of this episode will be erased from my mind …soon!  Can someone distract me, quick…!!?? Sigh…!!

Thanks for reading. 😥

Does little things make you feel anxious…?