I’ve not told you this. And I don’t think I’ll ever will since I’ve stopped seeing you. I just felt I needed to write this even though I know you will never get to read this.
Do you remember about the conversation we had in your office on 16 February? We talked about many things – one of the issues we talked about was my desire in wanting to pursue a course in counselling?
This is not a new topic since I’ve mentioned this to you in a few of my counselling sessions with you. Even though I have not been trained as a counselor, I also remember telling you how I have enjoyed meeting with people and it was especially fulfilling to be able to help someone in their time of needs.
Well, on 16 February, for some reason, we had revisited this topic. And yes, I did share at some point in our session that I am feeling so tired having to deal with challenging people at work. And I have come to the point that I would just keep to myself and minimize my interactions with them. At least by doing so, it reduces the chance of me feeling hurt or misunderstood by their comments.
I want you to know that it was really discouraging to me when you kept questioning and probing over my desire to pursuing counselling.
Somehow I know what you were trying to do. Perhaps you felt that I was conflicted and wanted to bring about clarity to the conversation; on one hand I wanted to help people, but on the others, I feel tired having to deal with people
Why did you have to probe? Why did you have to tell me that counselling involved having to deal with difficult people as if I didn’t know that? Why did you have to give me the impression that since I was already feeling tired dealing with people in the office, counselling may not be my cup of tea. Perhaps this was not what you had intended to say but it made me feel lousy.
It felt as my only opportunity/chance in wanting to do something different, to get out of the rut that I am experiencing at work, has taken away with those comments. Am I not capable of being a good counselor? Yes, perhaps I feel tired of dealing with people/colleagues now… but that’s because I am going through this thing called “depression” at this point in my life! It hasn’t been like that all the time. I used to enjoy meeting with people.
You then turned to my wife and asked for her thoughts. If you remember, she was surprised by my desire to help others. And if that being the case, why am I not helping more in the family? That comment cut deep into my heart.
My wife had some tumor removed from her brain in September last year. After her discharged from the hospital, she stayed with a friend for 2 weeks before returning home.
My wife went on to ask why I didn’t visit her when she was staying at her friends how. I was shock. How is this issue connected to what we were discussing? She has other gripes with me which I was not aware of and was taken by surprise. Was she questioning my care and concern for her? Didn’t my camping outside the hospital ward during the day of her surgery and those days that followed when she was in ICU count for anything?
You know, after that session, I couldn’t feel anything. I felt like I was just existing but emotionally, I was dead. There was no point talking at all – no point talking to anyone about anything. I’m just tired of talking, period.
I’ve been keeping this in my heart all these time. That is the reason why I decided to cancel our follow-up session because I felt like there was nothing left to talk about. I am sorry that I’ve not picked up any of your calls or returned your text messages. Its not because I am angry with – like I mentioned earlier, I don’t feel like talking anymore.
It’s been close to 2 months since – and the feeling of “death in my heart” hasn’t gone away and I wonder if it ever will.
Well, thanks for all you have done for me and I wish you all the best in life and as you continue to help other patients.