IT is back…!

Well, I am back cos “it” is back…! So, what is…? My anxiety!

I started to experience intense anxiety as a result of something that happened at work. I’ve had moments of anxiety in the past – but they soon went away. However, I think my current episode is here to stay… for now.

The intensity of my anxiety is not as bad as what had in 2015 – when I first came down with mental health issues. Compared to what I had, my currently level of anxiety is (may) 6-7. However, it is by no mean any less debilitating.

I am also back on my meds – Agomelatine, Wellbutrin, and Xanax. I try not to take Xanax if I do not have to – but since I went to see my psychiatrist on 8 September, I have taken it twice.

Since journalling helped me in my journey then, I thought I should come back to writing.

I am back…

It’s been a long time since I wrote – I guess this happens when things are getting better and there is nothing to write about. There is still nothing to write about – or maybe I should just say I don’t feel like talking about it. I am just feeling overwhelmed at this point in time.

I attempted a few years ago – and I am entertaining the thought again….!!

It all started with a massage…

I have not written for a while. I decided to write cos I have no one to turn to to express what’s in my troubled heart. Anyway, here is my story…

In one of my earlier post dated 11 Nov 2016, I had mentioned that I tried to OD myself – and I confessed to him that I had indeed taken pills in the attempt to end my life. Let’s called this colleague J.

Since then, J has been helping and watching over me a lot. And I appreciated it. In a sense, I felt like I had owed him my life. If it wasn’t for J who had intervened, I may not be here today.

As a result of my OD – and as instructed by the doctor – from wife started to dispense medication to me. When I had to go on a business trip, my wife would entrust this role to J – and we would room together.

During one of my business trips, J offered to give me a massage. He told me that massage would help me relax. I agreed cos I, too, had read they message helps. He spread the comforter on the carpeted floor and had me lay face down. With only a towel covering my rear end, he started to give me long strokes. It felt good. Then he made me turn around and continue to massage me. It got sensual and I started to get aroused. Suddenly, he removed the towel exposing my manhood. Telling me that we are all guys and getting aroused during massage is normal. Very soon, the massage ended.

The next night, he offered to give me a massage again – and again removed my towel. I got aroused again but this time, I started to carcasses my manhood. I resisted but he was told me to “just relax”. I felt conflicted at that time – I am not gay but cos it felt good – I again relented. The stroking continue and then he started to masturbate me and I ejaculate as a result.

This went on for the remaining nights of our business trips – and for subsequent trips as well.

However, the massage escalated. I started to feel comfortable with him and would jerk off in his presence during such trips. One day he started to give me a blowjob and this went on.

Though I had mentioned him that we should stop this – while he said yes, he would come over to my bed and start to massage – and again I gave him.

Recently, he confided to me that he is attracted to guy although he is married with a teenage son. I told him that I would not judge him.

To cut a long story short – it got so bad that at times, he would make me drunk and I would have no recollection what happened. He would teased me about what may have happened while I was wasted.

We have gotten close and we would share secrets and confide with each other. He started to spend time with me on a weekly basis and would get me give and treats. In fact, another colleague even commented that we looked like a married couple.

And this bring me to the present time. We have a trip coming and he text me and asked if I could room with him. He had texted me before going on a short business trip.

While I am not gay – I must admit that I had enjoyed the massage and even the blowjobs. However, I feel very conflicted and I don’t not want to room with him for fear that I would up giving in again. This has been happening since 2017 and I am feeling very tired having to live a double life.

Anyway, I did not respond his text message and after returning from his trip, he left the chat. Needless to say, he is upset with me.

I am conflicted and torn. On one hand, I am glad that he’s upset with me. This way, at least I wouldn’t need to share room with him anymore. However, I do not want to end our friendship – after all, we have been pals for more than 20 years and will probably continue to be colleagues for the next 10 years or more.

There were times when I considered quitting my job with the hope that this would end my double life – but I can not afford to do that. I am thinking of initiating a talk when I get back to the office tomorrow – but knowing J – he would probably give me the cold shoulder and ignore me. This is how he operates with people who have offended him.

My other colleagues may also start to wondering about our relationship – once we were so closed and now he’s not even talking to me. I know I cannot share the truth – this would ruin us – our job and family. I am stuck. What shall I do – it only I had not given in to that massage and I only have myself to blame…!

And yes, I have entertained the thought of ending my life cos I feel trapped…!!

It’s been more than 8 months… (an update)

My last entry was on 25 Oct 2017.  That was a year ago.  I’m not sure if anyone is reading but I thought it would be good for me to write an update about my condition anyway.

In my last blog, I ended with…”It has been 8 weeks… and I look forward to the day when I can say, “It’s been 8 months”, and “It’s been 8 years.  Well, it hasn’t been 8 years yet but I am happy to say that I’ve not had anxiety for more than 8 months.  In fact, in 4 days time, I can say that I’ve been free from anxiety for 14 months.

I have no explanation over my recovery and I do not know what contributed to that.  Was it my medication?  Did those sessions with my shrink help?  Was it because I had an understanding, patient and supportive wife and colleagues?  Or was it due to God’s mercy and His healing power?  I cannot put my finger on it – but I reckon God must have used every one of these factors to give me that healing that I had longed for, for a long time!

I was diagnosed with depression on January 20, 2015 – and it’s been almost 4 years since  And although I feel GREAT, and I do not presume that this is over for me.  I am still on medication and I’m still meeting my shrink – although not as often as before – I am fully aware of what can potentially bring about a relapse.  As a result, I have learned to stay away – or not place myself in those situations for too long.  I give myself more space and time to do the work that is required of me – and I lean not to hang on those emotions and feelings that I know aren’t helpful.  And I am proud to say that during those few stressful months at work, I have handled it well.  I’ve also received affirmation from my colleagues and people around me.  But my journey continues.

I also proud of the fact that I have spoken quite publicly about my struggle with depression and anxiety disorder. I’ve asked God why He has allowed me to go through this.  And although He has not given me an answer yet, I always believe God has a purpose and plan for that.  For now, I just want to be available and journey who whoever is going through a similar struggle.  As a matter of fact, I will be meeting a young man this Sunday who suspects that he may be going through depression.

I also want my story to be a testimony that people who have depression and anxiety disorder CAN get better!!  I want to believe that this also applies to other forms of mental health issues.  And while the journey can be long, lonely and painful, there IS light at the end of the tunnel.  It just takes time and patience… and I don’t say this lightly because I know how long our journey can feel.  And perhaps some of our journeys have indeed been very long.  In fact, I know of someone who has had depression for more than 10 years now and his condition is still fluctuating.

I think that’s all I will write.  Bye for now…!!

It has been 8 weeks since…

Yes, it has been 8 weeks since I last took my anti-anxiety pill (although I’m still taking my anti-depressant)… and it has been 8 weeks since I experienced any form of anxiety.  Now I experience anxiety because there is a reason for me to feel this way – which doesn’t happen often.  And it’s not a default feeling that I get whenever I wake up in the morning.  For that, I am grateful, thankful, happy, celebrating, and feeling blessed.

I honestly don’t know what to make out of this – my anxiety seems to have gone away suddenly… for now.  I know 8 weeks isn’t a long time… but if you had asked me some 9 – 10 weeks ago if I could ever imagine that one day I would feel the way I am feeling now… I would say NO.   And so, I am enjoying the present… and I hope and pray that this will last for a while… a long while!!

I was asked recently by my shrink if I knew what had contributed to this recovery… was it the medication that I have been taking… or the talk therapy that I have been receiving?  I answered, “both”.  And after walking out of his office, I realized that I had missed out an important component… and that was PRAYER!  After all, I do believe that God heals, and I have been praying that God would grant me healing from this painful journey in my life.

I now feel normal and I am able to function normally – at home or at work.  I am able to contribute during weekly staff meetings and I am able to carry out conversations with my colleagues over lunch without feeling anxious.  I am able to joke and laugh again.  I am able to clown around with my kids.  What a change!

I have also experienced other changes in my life!  I remember there was a period of time when I complained that I had brain fog… and I was contributing the cause of it to the medication that I was taking.  Then, I found myself ruminating and over-thinking a lot, and my mind just couldn’t be at rest regardless of how hard I tried.  I would distract my mind by reading or surfing the internet.  Sometimes it worked but and many times it didn’t.  And then there was a time when I found it hard to write, and whenever I wrote anything, it would look like the handwriting of a primary two (2nd grade) school kid.  Would you believe that I couldn’t even sign my name on the cheque without messing it up… 3 times?  Finally, I would feel anxious just to utter public prayers.  I hated it whenever I had to pray because I just couldn’t string my thoughts or verbalize what I wanted to say.

You know what…?  Although those challenges seemed so real to me at that time, they are now a thing of the past … all the challenges that I experienced came and went.  And this gives me hope… hope to know that whatever challenges that I encounter or experience as a result of my mental health right now… will eventually go away in due time.

Am I on the road to recovery?  I certainly hope so.  It’s been 8 weeks… and I look forward to the day when I can say, “It’s been 8 months”, and “It’s been 8 years”…!!

 

 

 

Am I Getting Better…?

So, I was finally treated for anxiety.  I  was on Bupropion and Clonazepam for 2 weeks (14 August).  On 29 August, I went back to my pdoc and  I was told that I can now take Clonazepam on a need basis.

I have been reading so much on the internet about how depression and anxiety cause cognitive impairment.  In addition to this, Benzo too, in general, does affect cognition as well.  You see, I have noticed that I have been having some difficulties remembering and recalling information… and I didn’t want this condition to worsen.  As such, I was determined to get off clonazepam, which is a type of Benzos, as soon as possible… but that would take about 1 week to get all traces of the clonazepam out of my system.

So the detox began.  The next few days were challenging.  I could feel my anxiety coming back.  However, I decided that I will not have any anti-anxiety pills to help me overcome it.  So I endured.  I was happy when I hit the one week mark.

However, I was not totally out of the woods yet since I was experiencing mild anxiety.  But it was so mild that I didn’t need any anti-anxiety pills to treat it.  Slowly the anxiety got milder and milder.  And now, I do not wake up feeling anxious anymore.  I can go about doing my things without feeling anxious as well.  The only time anxiety came was when there was a real reason to feel anxious.

Since then, it’s been more than 3 weeks since I last took my anti-anxiety pill.  I am still on Bupropion though… as well as Agomelatine and Risperidone before I go to bed.

I have never felt this good in a long time.  I believe it’s the medication that is making me feel this good.  But I am thankful.  Thankful that I am not experiencing the things that I’ve shared in the past; brain fog, inability to rest my mind – as if it’s running a hundred miles per hour, ruminating, and so on.

I know that recovery from depression and anxiety is rarely linear. There will be peaks, valleys, plateaus, blips, and dips.  But I hope (and pray) that this will not be the case for me… and that I am, in fact, recovering gradually.  I hope (and pray) that the 3 weeks that I have gone without anti-anxiety pills will soon become 3 months… and I hope that by the time I reach the 3-year mark of my journey, which will happen at the end of January 2018, I can function better with minimal help from meds.

 

 

 

Finally, Treatment for my Anxiety

For the past weeks, my anxiety seems to be worsening.  In the past, all I needed was half a tab of Xanax in the morning and that will do that work for the whole day.  However, in recent days, it stopped working and I had to take my Xanax throughout the day.

So 3 days ago, I decided to go to my psychiatrist. “Doc, I don’t think I have depression but what is bugging me is my anxiety and it seems to be worsening”.

I’ve been with this psychiatrist for 8 months and for the first time he started asking me questions relating to my anxiety; Where is your anxiety?  Do you have heart palpitation, shortness of breathe?  What goes through your mind when you anxiety comes?

He eventually prescribed Bupropion and Clonazepam for me.  Clonazepam was like a miracle drug… once I took it, I started to feel normal again.  Not only did I stop experiencing the physical symptoms of anxiety,  I was able to focus on my job better, socialize and laugh with my colleagues.  Laughing is a big thing for me because I’ve not been able to laugh for a looong time.

Looking back, it seems like my doctor has been treating my depression and not my anxiety.  And the only reason why I had Xanax was because I requested for me.  Did I not tell him that I have anxiety too…?

If only the doctor knew that I have anxiety, I wouldn’t have to struggle with it for the last 8 months – that’s a long time for me.  It affected me so much that there were times when I wanted to give up this fight with depression.

I am definitely happier now… and finally, my anxiety is been treated!

Dilemma: Do I continue seeing my Shrink?

So, tomorrow I will be seeing my shrink again.

I’ve been seeing my shrinking for more than 2 years or so and on a weekly basis, although there has been periods of time when I stopped seeing him due to my “relapse”.  So here’s the question – is it time for me to stop seeing him?

I’ve tried to suggest to him more than a month ago, and his response was that I was not ready yet… and nope, I did not ask him what he meant by “not ready yet”.

Why am I so eager to stop my sessions with him?  Well, it’s been so long and I don’t feel like to sessions are going anywhere.  Sure, he listens to me and I learn something about myself whenever I meet with him.  He also helps me to see things from different perspective.  But we keep talking about similar topics and I find that tiring.  It doesn’t seem like there has been any major breakthroughs.  Like recently, he asked me again if I knew what made me go into depression…this was at area that we explored many months ago. Sometimes I feel like I am paying just for someone to listen to me.

I’ve been truly blessed that I do not have to pay for his service.  The church that I work at is paying for it – $200 per hour and we would meet for about 1.5 hours or more sometimes.  This means an average of (at least) $300 per week and that works out to about $1200 per month.  That’s a lot of money!  If I were to foot the bill on my own, I doubt I will be able to afford weekly sessions that last for 2 years.  People tells me to be thankful for that.  Yes, I am but yet at the same time, I can’t help but feel bad that the church has to spend so much money on me.  I spoke to my wife about me wanting to spot seeing my shrink last night but she didn’t sound like she supported the idea at all although she said I couldn’t bring it up to my shrink and explore it with him.

While I want to stop my sessions with my shrink, I have my concerns too.  What if I had a relapse?  Would I get blamed for sabotaging my own recovery for ending my relationship with my shrink prematurely?

I am curious.  I am curious to know many often do people meet with their shrink, and for how long.  I tried to google but can’t seem to find any answers to my question.

In any case, I will explore with him again tomorrow.  Perhaps I can work out a plan – to meet him less frequently to meeting him on an ad hoc basis or when I have a need.  Let’s hope he understands where I am coming from and would not out-talk me into continuing my sessions with me because I am not ready yet.

 

Any Good News Today…?

No, I did not…!

So I went to my psychiatrist this morning…hoping that he’d reduce the dosage of my medication.

I told him that I’ve never better this well in a long time, told him I’ve not taken xanax for the past 3-4 weeks, shared with him about my lifestyle change. All went well until he told him that it’s best that I stay with my current dosage. Needlessly to say, I was disappointed. I tried to negotiate with him but it was no use. He told me to focus on staying well and let him be the doctor.

So what’s the plan for me if I continue to feel good? ASSUMING I continue to feel this good.

I am currently on 50mg of Valdoxan, and 1mg of Risperidone. He will see me again in January 18 and will then consider tapering down my Risperidone. As for my Valdoxan, I’d have to wait till June 2018 – that’s one year from now – before he’d consider reducing it to 25mg. He also said that I’ll probably need to be on it for 2 years before he’d taper down further. Basically, I’ll still be on medication, at least for the next 3 years.

I’ve been on medication for the past 2.5 years now. It’s been a long and tiring journey for me. I was hoping that with a reduced dosage, I can soon put this depressive episode behind me. But unfortunately I can’t because I’ve got 3 more long years to go…!! Wish I could say “time flies”!

I guess what I need to do now is to come to terms with it. I need to continue to ask God for patience and to allow Him to heal me.

Some Good News, Please…?

When I last visited by psychiatrist about 2 months ago.  He doubled my Valdoxan dosage from 25mg to 50 mg.  Needless to say, I was not happy at all.  It’s always easy to increase the dosage but I know it will take a while before the doctor will reduce the dosage.

The month of May was tough.  If you recall, I had a conversation with my boss and my depression made me believe that I was going to loss my job.  That really affected me a great deal.  As if having depression was not bad enough – it made me panic.  I questioned about my future, my abilities, and if I could even secure a job given that I am down with depression since companies do discriminate against people like us.  I was also told by my boss that I was not spiritually at peace with God.  As a result of all these negative thoughts – and many others – it made the month of May pass very slowly.  I also wondered how I am ever going to be healed (from depression) if I am not at peace but in a state of panic and desperation.

Thank God that through a colleague and a church elder, God assured me that I was not going to loss my job.  That helped me.

While all these were happening, I also began to realized that I have been wallowing in my self pity pit.  I told myself that that I am tired of being in that pit.  Somehow I managed to find some willpower from within to make some changes to my life.  I started to exercise (walking twice a week), I started to read (and realized that reading actually help me to relax), I started to explore that possibility of taking a counselling course (that I have been wanting to take for the past 5 years).  I also started to listen to my other voice instead of listening to my depressive voice.  Basically I told myself to do things counter to what my depression was telling me to do.

Well, in my last post, I shared about my joy and on how much better I am become.  Since then, I have not felt the need to take my Xanax for my anxiety.  My depression has been lifted – except for the occasional moment – but it will disappear as soon as I engage in some form of activities like talking to people.

I have an appointment to see the psychiatrist tomorrow.  I plan to share with him about what I am been doing for the past weeks and how much better I have been feeling.  And I am secretly hoping to he will start to taper my dosage down as a result.  And if he does that, I know it will really be a great encouragement to me and help me in my recovery.

Having said that, I have been reading on the internet that sometimes doctors will only start tapering down when the patient feels good for a duration of between 6 – 9 months.  My heart sank when I read that… so, I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Dr Lee, can I have SOME GOOD NEWS, PLEASE…!!